Non-Mission-Capable Intranet

This is the most trecherous tale of hate and dismay you'll run across in the data field. Any discontent caused by microsoft looks like a beer run in comparison.

A few years back, the Navy had a problem. They all had a bunch of programs that were basically doing the same thing, but were incompatable with eachother. Since there was no standards (or if there were, they weren't enforced), it made things a real kick in the wang to plan stuff out. The Navy, in their infinate wisdom, decided not to start enforcing standards on software or anything, but rather, to hire civilians to unfuck their network. And because the Marine Corps is the bastard step-brother of the Navy, guess who got fucked and sucked into their triangle of hate? Yeah, we already had standards which we followed, but we still got stuck with the deal. Now, none of the data Marines in units cut over to NMCI have any rights at all, so we're at mercy of corporate civilians who, frankly, don't give a fuck.

And if you have a problem, or you get promoted, may God, Satan, the Great Pumpkin, Batman, or Artie - the strongest man in the world from Pete and Pete save you, because damn near no one else will. When you call, you have to guess your way through an automated maze. And then the fun begins. You go on hold. And hold. And hold. And hold. I've been on hold before for 45 minutes. I literally fell asleep in my chair with the phone next to my ear, waking up every time some pre-recorded message from a guy with a lisp told me that my call was very important, and I can email them for non-critical issues. Fuck that, and fuck you, lisp boy!

About every year or so, there is a rumor that goes around saying that the Marine Corps is sick of NMCI, and we're going to dropkick their asses out the door like some clingy prostitute who wants to cuddle after sex, but those rumors have been squashed like a bug. Apparently, The Navy extended the contract until 2010. And after that, we have the option to lease the gear from EDS, go with a competator, or buy all it all, and let data Marines/sailors do their jobs again and run the network.

But here is where EDS/NMCI gets the last laugh: even if NMCI gets dropped, we're still screwed. Over 3/4 of the Marine Corps is with NMCI, meaning that most data Marines haven't really run a base network, except for whatever training they have had in training ops, or when they deploy. I got here in 2004, and it was after NMCI took over for my unit. Because of this, I've never really done anything in terms of running a base network. My only experience with a garrison network is doing basic help desk stuff - just answering phone calls, and either redirecting the calls to people that can fix it, or putting in trouble tickets to resolve the issue.

And that, my friends, is how they get you. Think of NMCI as a heroin dealer… only a dealer that somehow tricked you into a contract where you had to shoot up, regardless of how you like it. So… you've already paid for all of this heroin that you have to take for the next few years. After the contract is up, you've been more or less forced to continue taking it because you're fucking addicted now. And that is where we stand. We'll have almost an entire MOS of Marines who have never done their jobs before because civilians have been doing it for the last decade, and it will be rough. God help us if that happens, and god damn the people who came up with this idea in the first fucking place.

"If we don't take care of the customer, maybe they'll stop bugging us."
-Dr. Larry Kersten